A letter to myself on the almost one year anniversary of my mother’s passing

It seems so unreal that almost a  year has passed since that day my husband came to my office to tell my mother had passed away.  Twelve months, 52 weeks. 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds–it really doesn’t matter what increment of time I use to measure, the fact remains that not a single moment has passed where my mom is not in my thoughts.  So much has happened in that time.  Without a doubt, I am not the same person I was a year ago.  This has by far been the most difficult year of my life, but that doesn’t mean that there has not been an abundance of joy and blessings in my life this past year–some days, I just had to look a little harder to see them.

My mother had me a month shy of her 19th birthday.  In many ways, I felt like we grew up together.  I envisioned a life of growing old with her–one mother/daughter adventure at a time.  She was my biggest critic, but also my biggest cheerleader.  She was my best friend.  Her passing was a complete shock and I was completely unprepared for what my new future without her would be like.  Most of this past year has been a complete blur to me.

I know the timing of her death was part of God’s plan and I try not to question the whys or struggle with the what ifs, but if I could go back in time, I would give myself this letter–not to change the outcome, but to prepare myself for what was to come—–

Dear Me,

When Tom walks into your office tomorrow and gives you the most devastating news you can imagine, trust me when I tell you that you will be okay.  You are going to be changed forever, but you are going to be okay.  But there are some things I want you to know that may make the road before you just a little easier–

1. You are weaker than you think you are.  I know you try to focus on staying strong and positive in difficult situations, but this is going to be totally different from anything you have ever faced before.  You are not only going to be sad, but you are going to feel emotions like you have never really felt before.  You are going to be angry, frustrated, disappointed, jealous, afraid, every negative emotion you can think of you are going to feel.  Some days you will feel one negative emotion.  Other days you might feel all of them at once.  It will be overwhelming.  You will have anxiety attacks.  Some days you will not sleep. Some days you will sleep too much.  You will get a cold that will last for months.  There are days when you are going to be a horrible wife and mother.  You will forget birthdays and anniversaries of friends.  You are going to be easily annoyed at people and things.  You are going to scream and cry in your parent’s kitchen for an hour because you don’t know where the recipe is for the dressing for Thanksgiving and then you are going to cry again when you finally find the recipe.  You are going to cry in the middle of Hobby Lobby on the day after Thanksgiving for no reason at all.   A little over nine months later you are going to cry at Starbucks when you order your first pumpkin spice latte of the season and realize you can’t call her to brag that you got one before she did this year.  You are going to cry in more public places than you ever thought possible and you will be mortified.  For years you have thought of three things you are grateful for at the end of each day.  Now days will go by and you won’t think of anything.  Not because you are not grateful anymore, but because it hurts to think some days.  But I promise you that you will be okay.
2. You are stronger than you think you are.  I know you will find this hard to believe, but even on your worse days, you are going to get out of bed and face your day.  For the first time in your life, you are going to make decisions completely on your own.  You will host your annual holiday brunch that you and Mom started and your friends will come not only because they want to support you, but because they need this tradition to support them.  You will be a better a friend to other friends that face similar loss.  You will be a better, stronger wife and mother for Tom and Jack when you are faced with another loss a few months from now when Tom’s father, John passes away.  In a year, you will look back at everything you have done and be amazed.  It doesn’t seem possible right now, but you will go on without Mom.  You are a strong woman because you were raised by a strong woman and you will be okay.
3. People that you care about are going to disappoint you.  At first you won’t notice, but after some weeks go by you will realize that friends you thought you could count on haven’t reached out to you.  No card, no flowers, no post on Facebook.  Months will go by and you may run into some of these friends and they may act like nothing has happened.   Others will apologize and say they haven’t reached out because they couldn’t think of what to say.    Others will try to comfort you by comparing the loss of your mother to the time their dog died.  Still others will be angry at you and accuse of you of changing, of not being the same person, of not moving on in the appropriate amount of time. Others will look to you for comfort and support and you will be upset because you have none to give.  Some of these friends you will realize truly do care about you, but they are scared because we are of an age where many of us are losing our parents and they don’t want to be the next member of this club.  Some of these friends you will realize weren’t really friends at all.  Some of these friends you will forgive and move on; some of these friends will not go any further on this journey with you.  You will mourn the loss of the friendships, the loss of your mother, and the loss of the person you were, but I promise you that you will be okay.
4. People that you care about are going to amaze you.   I know you are thankful for your friends and family, but you really have no idea how amazing some of the people God has put in your life really are.  You have always said that you are so lucky to have family that are your friends and friends that are your family, but now you will see how true that really is.  There will be food and cards and flowers, but these people  are going to comfort you and lift you up in ways you can’t even imagine.  You won’t realize it until later, but you some of your friends will  set up a friend help line of sorts to take turns staying up at night to be available for you those nights you can’t sleep.   You will post a meme on Facebook that says “The devil whispered in my ear ‘You can’t handle the storm.’ / The next day I whispered back ‘I am the storm’.”  A few days later you will receive a bracelet in the mail with the words “I am the storm.”  You have your suspicions, but you will never find out who sent you this bracelet.   You will have a friend that will set up a system where anytime you are feeling overwhelmed, you can text her a flower emoji and she will stop what she is doing to pray for you.  You have friends that you have lost touch with over the years reach out to you to share a favorite memory of Mom.  You have friends that have also lost their mothers that will help guide you on this new journey.  You will meet other women who have lost their mothers and they will become instant friends because they know your heart without you saying a word.  Mom’s friends are going to are going to wrap their arms around you and hold you tight.  There are things you are going to wish Mom told you–listen closely, God is going to put people in your path that are going to share stories that Mom told them or something that Mom told them in passing.  In these stories or comments, you will hear what you need and you will be okay.
5. There are no words that can make this better.  There are two posts on Facebook that you have read recently–one is a guideline of what a person should or should not say to someone is grieving; the other is a guideline of whom should comfort whom based on how close you are to the inner circle.  Both of these are excellent posts, but the reality for you is it doesn’t really matter what someone says or does not say.  You are not going to remember most of it anyway.  But you will remember who was there for you.  Although your grief will be great, so will be the grief of your father who loses his wife of 46 years, your brother who also loses his mother, your child who loses his Nana, your husband who loses his second mother of almost 20 years,  your family and friends who knew her before any of you did who lose their cousin and/or childhood best friend, all of her friends who lose their rock, their support, their confidante.  Everyone’s grief is great and in the end, the only way for any of you to bear the tremendous weight is to comfort each other.  There are no words that can make this better.  There is no magic time formula or remedy to fix this.  The only way to get through this is to just keep moving forward–some days alone, some days with these amazing people beside you.  But even though nothing will make this better, you will be okay.
6. But when there are no words, there are still prayers.  On the worst days, you will pray for peace, comfort and strength.  On the best days, you will pray with thanksgiving and grace.  On all days, you will feel the prayers of others for you.  God will get you through this and you will be okay.
7. Look for the signs.  Some days it will be pennies found in unusual places; some days a cardinal will almost seem to be following you everywhere you go.  One day months from now, you will finally open a book that you gave Mom when you were in college about mothers and daughters.  Inside the book will be pictures of the two of you that you have never seen before and a poem that someone gave your grandmother, Bee, after your great-grandmother passed away.  The last part of the poem reads “Remember that your loved one is always near when you need her/She has only stepped through the veil of this present time/And she will be waiting for you to join her some beautiful day/For God will bless you too, just follow Him and you won’t be left behind.”  You’ve never seen this poem before and you don’t remember the person who wrote it, but I believe just like the poem comforted Bee at that time, this poem was a great comfort to Mom after Bee died and she put the poem in that book for you to find when you needed it most.  All of these signs will  remind you that Mom is with you and  you will be okay.

There are going to be some tough days ahead and nothing is ever going to be the same.  Cry when you need to. Go ahead and laugh when you can and don’t feel guilty about it. Pray every chance you get it.  Talk to Mom every day.  If there is a rocking chair near by, sit in it for a while.  If a Rod Stewart song comes on, turn the radio up.   Put on lipstick and brush your hair every day no matter how bad you feel.  Buy new books. Never say no when someone asks if you want to go to Starbucks.  Plan a trip and when you come home from that trip start planning another.  Celebrate every day.  Because these are the things Mom taught you to do and wants you to do.  I promise you you will be okay.

   Love,

   Me (A Year Later)